A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far from enlightenment, George Lucas created the Star Wars trilogy. It defined a generation, entertained audiences all over the world, and captivated minds young and old.
But times have changed, and what once looked progressive now seems positively medieval. Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was the breaking point for many critics and fans.
Meet
Jar Jar Binks, amphibious alien and -- according to a variety of pundits -- racist caricature. Joe Morgenstern of the Wall Street Journal may have called him a cross between Stepin Fetchit and Butterfly McQueen, but Jar Jar is only the tip of the iceberg that sinks the Phantom Menace.
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"Be mindful of the Living Force Enabled, my Age Irrelevant, Unifying Force Activist." |
A modest proposal
The prequel did not have to be as offensive as it was. Not everyone can be as sensitive as I am, but a few minor changes would have allowed Lucas to turn Episode I into a poignant parable suited for the modern age.
First off, the Jedi are supposed to be all that's wise and noble in the galaxy. But what about their
elitist class system? How many times does Ewan MacGregor say "Yes, Master," anyhow?
This could easily conjure up derogatory cultural memories. Do we have to have divisive titles like masters and knights and padawans? Why can't we simply have "Differently Abled Jedi"?
And what about people who can't use the Force? How about their feelings? Let’s call them the "
Midi-chlorianly Impaired," and address the feelings of inferiority Jedi powers must inspire in them.
For instance, Yoda could teach his Jedi to be "gravitationally correct" and refrain from mentally levitating objects in front of people who can't. Gravitational incorrectness makes the mundanes feel bad.
In the meantime, what is this "
Will of the Force" stuff? It sounds a little totalitarian to me – is George promoting religious intolerance? This is the way inquisitions get started.
Why can't we tone it down a little? Perhaps we could speak of the "Whim of the Force." No one would ever persecute people of
different but equally valid Force beliefs over a whim.
I'm also disturbed by the Jedi Mind Trick. While it can be used to make the galaxy a less offensive place, the wording is still a little threatening. We should change it to the "Jedi Mental Suggestion."
Now we're getting somewhere. We can have an entire galaxy filled with Differently Abled Jedi who follow the Whim of the Force and use their Jedi Mental Suggestion to promote political correctness among the Midichlorianly Impaired.
Things are looking more enlightened already.
Save the Banthas!
There are still some problems with the plot. Taxation and trade routes are boring anyway, and The Phantom Menace could be a more eco-centric story.
How about this: Amidala is
no longer a Queen and no references to politically repressive monarchies need exist at all. She's now a single working mom – an ecologist fighting to save the Naboo rain forests from the polluting droid factories of the Euro Trade Corporation – who is quite possibly having an affair with Captain Panaka, now played by Denzel Washington.
That gets us on the right track, but we've got other things to work out.
What purpose does the pod race serve? Is George Lucas trying to tell our kids that life is a video game? Let’s use that screen time to promote cultural sensitivity.
There could be a scene where Padme confronts Tusken Raiders, and they grow offended when she refers to them as "Sand People." Anakin could then intervene, condemning the remark as racially insensitive and defusing the situation by informing her they wish to be called "Tatooine Aboriginals."
This could perhaps be followed by a stirring drum circle.
There’s another issue that George has completely ignored: the blatant abuse of animals in the Star Wars universe.
In every Star Wars movie, animals have been ridden like second-class citizens, and you sometimes see them in the background struggling to drag heavy loads. Dewbacks, Banthas, Kaadu, Fambaas, Tauntauns, they've all been shown to have one purpose: To Serve Bipedal Humanoids.
What kind of message is this sending?
Let’s drop the pod race and send Anakin and company to a Rally for Bantha Rights.
After all, maybe Darth Maul just needed a hug.
Sith sensitivity training
All these concerns carry over into George's portrayal of alien life as well. Just look at Jabba the Hutt.
I've heard more than one child refer to this greedy intergalactic criminal as "fat." If I didn't know better, I'd think that George was saying all overweight vermiform hermaphrodites were greedy intergalactic criminals. They may just have glandular problems, you know.
What's even more disheartening is the portrayal of Darth Maul. So what if he has horns, yellow eyes, Sith war paint all over his face, and bears an uncanny resemblance to a demon? Does that make him a bad person?
If Maul's double-bladed lightsaber isn't a cry for help, I quite frankly don't know what is. If we had gotten to know him better, we might have grown to call him Darth Misunderstood. But no, he's "different," so he must be "evil."
Only two characters come across as fair depictions in this galactic mess.
The first was the eerie Darth Sidious, a malevolent menace who goes to show that no matter what galaxy you're in, old white patriarchs are the root of all evil. The second was our friend Yoda, who proves that you can be a great presence in the Force even if you’re vertically different.
Politeness does matter
Political correctness should always be ready to look forward. With that in mind, I now must attack the film not only for the people – er, lifeforms (artificial, CGI or otherwise) – who are currently offended by The Phantom Menace, but for the ones who might be in the future.
Sentient robots could exist soon. What will they think when they eat a Star Wars disc and see that they are only used for comic relief? What if "droid" is an offensive term to a robot?
On a similar note, we may not have made contact with extraterrestrials – or as I call them, our Cosmic Space Friends – but what about when we do? What if they all look like Watto the Junk Dealer and object to his portrayal as a grasping, miserly slave owner?
If Earth gets obliterated because of the viciously stereotypical aliens of The Phantom Menace, it will be George Lucas’s fault.
Even if the aliens like the movie, it still sets a bad example for the rest of us. How do Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Darth Maul resolve their differences? They kill each other!
Real sensitive, George. Couldn’t they have just gone to a therapist and talked things out? After all, maybe Darth Maul just needed a hug.
Get the joke? Or think he's serious? Either way, the
editor wants to know.
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